Grand Nez

Once upon a time, when the world was new, and people still didn’t quite understand that the world isn’t flat, there was a young pirate named Grand Nez, which is French for “Large Nose”. He was named this mainly because, you see, he had a very large nose. Abnormal in length, his nose was often a point of ridicule in the small town in which he grew up. Not doing well in school, and pressured by his parents and superiors to become a doctor, he decided one night after being lectured of the importance of intelligence, to be a pirate. Not an ordinary pirate, however. He would be the greatest pirate that ever lived. The next night, he took what few belongings he possessed, (even though his family was quite wealthy) and left for the docks, stowing away in a merchant ship that was carrying gold. Just as he had suspected, soon enough a pirate ship attacked, looting the ship of all its’ booty. Seizing the opportunity at hand, Grand Nez popped out of a small barrel in which he was hiding, and introduced himself to the captain of the pirate ship. At first, the captain didn’t know what to make of him. He was short, rather plump, and had a very large nose. But he had fire in his heart, so the pirate took him aboard as a swabby. Slowly climbing the pirate ranks, Grand Nez eventually, at the age of 17, became the “Number One”. Soon after, however the captain got scurvy, and was dying. You see, a stowaway had climbed aboard their ship, and ate all their oranges, for no apparent reason. Taking Grand Nez’s hand, he informed him that he wished him to be the next captain of the ship. So, Grand Nez was now a pirate captain, just as he had dreamed. He lived a full life, traveling the seven seas hundreds of times, and becoming the richest, most dangerous, and all-around-tough pirate that ever lived. He died in the most ridiculous manner, just as he had planned. He strapped himself to a Chinese rocket, strapped himself with dynamite, and to his belly, strapped a small cannon, and flew over Parliament, shooting wildly into the building laughing with slight insanity. Eventually, when he landed, he was beheaded in front of thousands. His last words were... “You only live once.”