I don’t suffer from an eating disorder. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with one. However, there was a time barely two months ago when I was very… discontent, for want of a better word.
For at least three years now, I’ve been suffering with clinical depression. Coming out and being accepted as trans made it ease off a bit, but it never truly went away. On and off, I’ve been suicidal. Not actively suicidal and attempting to take my own life, but suicidal nonetheless.
Since November of 2015, my depression has come back a lot worse than before. Like I said, it never truly went away in the first place. Throughout November and December, I began not eating. It wasn’t anything to do with not feeling confident about my body - in fact, I’m very happy with my body, save a few small details - rather, I wanted to feel in control of something. Let me spell it out clearly again just so we’re all on the same page: my not eating wasn’t about getting thinner, it was about control.
My life at that point just seemed to be going downhill. I couldn’t explain why, still can’t, but it was. I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt as if I was watching my life drip slowly down the drain. I needed something to ground myself with. I did that via not eating.
Nobody could make me eat, nobody could forcibly shove food down my throat, nobody could tell me to stop not eating - it was the perfect coping mechanism. I won’t go into too much detail, but there was one time when I didn’t eat anything for two days straight.
At the beginning of January, my depression held off a bit, and I was able to regain my appetite. Despite this, as of late, my depression has resurfaced once again. I’m still not actively suicidal, but I do have thoughts of the sort occasionally. Don’t worry, I’ve never acted on it. At the moment, I am very depressed. Trust me when I say that it’s not a topic I talk about, and I’m never very open about this. The only reason I feel I can say this is because I trust you, and that’s something coming from me.
Thank you.